Send your questions about your hash life, sex life, party life, or no life at all to: gt@gthhh.com or use the web form or snail mail: Hare Doktor, Global Trash, 402 Wendy Circle, Ragland, AL 35131 USA, then watch him screw it up. Hare Doktor is on line with past columns at: http://www.gthhh.com/haredok/haredok.htm Disclaimer: The notion that Hare Doktor even resembles a medical physician or psychiatrist is nonsense. Though many are are real, letters may be fabricated for humor by either their author or the columnist and Global Trash accepts no responsibility for anyone who actually believes this crap!

Dear Hare Doktor,

I was hashing last Saturday, and had the beer shits from the Full Moon the night before, and had to shit on trail. I went over to a little benjo ditch(sewer) and squatted. The only thing to wipe my ass with was these huge leaves that looked harmless, but since I did it, I have mild rectal itching. What can I do about it?

Dear Turds,

The itching could be symptomatic of one or more of the following:
1. An allergy to the leaves you used to wipe yourself.
2. A minor infection or allergic reaction to the environment in which you wiped your ass, probably heavy in bacterial growth, etc.
3. The turd that you had trouble getting out was actually a hasher taking advantage of you.

Since you stated it was a mild itching, I can assume it is not poison ivy, oak, sumac or nettle, so I can assume it went away pretty quickly. In the future, I suggest you keep a wad of tissue paper in your pocket. You never know when the urge will strike and you should always be prepared, especially on hash weekends where the food can encourage such problems.